Just this afternoon my best friend and I went out to lunch. She was moody, I was feeling chatty, and we ended up ranting about both our mundane lives and some toxic people we had dealt in the past. I cussed a tad too much today, regretting why was I too accommodating to the people that brought absolutely no value to my life, rather sucked my energy out of it.

I also pondered (almost to the point of frustration) on why do I care so much about what other people feel or think that I put their feelings before mine. Why is it so hard for me to actually not give a fuck. To say no when I really don’t feel like it. Why do I have to feel bad, so bad that I’d build multiple scenarios in my head on how these people would be pissed at me if I exclude them out of the equation, which happens very very seldom — or maybe they wouldn’t even think of me that way at all. It’s only “in my head.”

I realize this has become a problem because now it feels wrong to prioritize myself, when, to be fair, why shouldn’t I? I am so used to dealing with selfish and self-absorbed people that I wish I don’t turn out to be like them that I interpret it a little too far and thus I become very “serving.”

I hate myself because of this and for thinking too much over it.

I watched and read multiple stuff on “How Not to Give a Fuck” and deemed them as chill pills to help me stop thinking or caring too much. Yet I still think and care too much. Sometimes, I don’t want to think about anyone else other than myself. I would set aside my time for that when I feel like it, but it is also so not wrong to not wanting to do it. (easier said than done, really. Dammit).

I have too much going on in my life and I keep on adding on reasons to be anxious when I shouldn’t have to.

I constantly feel restless.

I have to do something to reset all this.

I don’t want actual pills to take control.

This,

this has to stop.