Teppy & Her Other Sides

Dua minggu lalu gue sempet main-main ke “The Museum of Forbidden Feelings” di Senopati. Ini bukan museum permanen, hanya pameran temporer yang diadakan dalam rangka peluncuran buku “The Book of Forbidden Feelings” karya ilustrator Indonesia, Lala Bohang. Nampaknya buku-buku yang bikin pendarahan di dalem kayak gini lagi laris-larisnya, yah. Sebagai pembaca masokis tentu saja gue ikutan beli bukunya dan jadi penasaran sama museumnya.

Bukunya sendiri berisi ilustrasi, puisi, dan tulisan-tulisan pendek karya Lala *ikrib* Tipe buku yang enak dibaca sendirian sore-sore pas hujan sambil ngopi dengan alunan lagu-lagu akustik… sambil urek-urek tanah. 😆

Salah satu tulisan pendek di buku ini. Tulisan-tulisan yang too close to home. Nggak semuanya sih, tapi beberapa bisa gue relate.

Museumnya sendiri cuma buka dari tanggal 29 September – 10 Oktober 2016. Berhubung deket kosan, maka meluncurlah gue siang-siang ke sana.

Kalo nggak salah inget, ada 67 barang yang dipamerkan di sana yang mewakili “Forbidden Feeling” manusia. Ini nggak cuma perasaan yang berhubungan sama cinta, yah. It could be anything, walaupun yang paling senep emang selalu berhubungan sama cinta, hahaha… Ini beberapa favorit gue.

Ternyata gue nggak sendirian.

*dhuaaarrr*

My Forbidden Feelings

Sepulangnya dari sini, gue lanjut ngopi sendirian di deket situ. Kebetulan nggak berapa lama setelahnya turun hujan, mana lah playlist Spotify gue lagi cakep-cakepnya sehingga suasana sangat mendukung buat ngelamun. Terus gue jadi mikir, gue punya nggak ya barang-barang yang gue simpan yang mewakili “perasaan terlarang” gue? I don’t see myself as that kinda person, you know, who keeps things from the past. I’m more of a memory person, it all stays in my head.

Gimana dengan perasaannya sendiri? Ya ini sih udah pasti ada.

Jadilah sesorean itu gue nginget-nginget apakah ada barang yang gue simpan, atau ya… memori, perasaan, atau apa pun itu. And maybe I can reveal some.

Ini boneka Hamtaro dari pacar pertama gue di jaman SMA. Kalau nggak salah sih ini kado ulang tahun gue di tahun 2003, jadi umurnya udah 13 taon ajeee. Kalau manusia, dia pasti udah kelas 2 SMP. Fuck, I’m old. Hahaha. Kenapa masih gue simpen? Sebenernya nggak ada alasan khusus sih, karena lucu aja… dan lumayan buat nambah-nambahin bantal di kamar kos. HAHAHA. *Sebenernya Teppy anaknya nggak berperasaan* Jadi gue itu kalau sayang sama orang bisa lamaaaaaa BANGET, tapi sekalinya batas toleransi/kesabaran/kecapehatian abis, ya abis juga perasaannya. Abis itu jadi datar lagi, makanya mau barang apa pun yang disimpen nggak akan ngaruh apa-apa.

Lanjut, ya?

Ini majalah TIME yang gue beli di tahun 2008. Nggak tau kenapa masih gue simpen, mungkin karena headlinenya yang menarik. I figure it will come in handy once I need it. I love knowing that there’s actually science behind all this irrational mushy gushy feelings I used to feel. So yeah, I’ll keep this until I think I don’t need it.

What else?

I don’t really take or post photos of my “in-betweeners.” Ada sisi rendah diri dalam diri gue, atau sisi proteksi diri sedari awal yang bikin gue merasa nggak perlu foto bareng cowok-cowok yang dibilang temen bukan, pacar juga kayaknya nggak bakal jadian. Dari pada sakit hati lagi dan lagi karena ada “bukti tayang” waktu kami ngedate, gue lebih memilih menyimpan memori atau hal-hal lain tentang mereka.

Gue pernah menyimpan sebuah receipt dari salah satu tempat ngebir di Jakarta Selatan. Nggak ada yang spesial dari bon itu, tentu saja, hanya saja di baliknya ada tanda tangan dan tulisan tangan nama kami berdua *penting gila.* Bonnya cuma berisi dua pesanan, satu gelas bir pesanan gue dan satu gelas whiskey pesanannya. His favorite drink.

I’m not into Valentine’s Day or anything, tapi waktu itu udah lewat tengah malam dari tanggal 13 Februari. We had a really lovely date  that night and he didn’t really want to take me home so early, so we ended up at that bar until it went past midnight. I took it as my first Valentine’s day date ever in my life, whatever it meant. Bon itu gue simpan berbulan-bulan di dalam dompet oranye gue, di slot dompet yang biasanya diisi orang-orang dengan foto. I was waiting for the right moment and reason to rip that thing off and throw it away… then I finally had one. So I ripped it off and threw it away. I’m only keeping the memory of him being one of my best dates. No photo or receipt needed to help me remember, not even the heartache.

There was also one moment I kept from my younger days, five years ago to be exact. Gue selalu mikir, nggak akan pernah ada momen yang sama dan rasa yang sama yang bisa keulang dua kali. Semua akan berbekas satu kali aja, makanya gue lumayan “histeris” kalau ada quote atau meme yang bisa menggambarkannya dengan persis. DAN TERNYATA ADA!

 THIS.

I always fancy snuggling on the couch while watching TV. We were watching The Big Bang Theory that night. It was his first time watching it. It surprised me that he never watched this series before so I told him to. Most of all because I was damn sure that he would get the joke and proved my point: that he’s smart and witty enough to understand it, hahaha. So he sat there on his couch, saw me standing near the dining room, and called me, “Come here.” I walked slowly and laid myself in his arms, snuggling like a spoiled cat, hahaha. We watched it religiously as he stroke my hair the entire time. After a few episodes, he whispered to my ear, “Sleep?” I shook my head, objected. “Okay, one more episode then, ya?” We finished another episode and went to sleep. It was hard to leave that couch and the moment that just went past. It felt so comfortable. Like home. If only I could freeze that moment. We remained friends until today by the way, only now he’s somebody else’s husband.

Lastly, the thought of marriage. 

Cukup dengan menghadiri pernikahan sahabat-sahabat gue yang pemberkatannya menyentuh, resepsinya super cantik, band kawinan bagus, dan video pernikahan yang bikin “awww,” niat pengen nikah pasti selalu muncul… HANYA KARENA ALASAN-ALASAN ITU. HAHAHA. CETEK ABIS. I mean, on that one day they all look so very happy. Everything is perfect. And the videooo! Goodness. Gue tuh selalu lemah sama video-video kawinan yang bagus, yang isinya banyak slow motion dan tatapan-tatapan penuh arti antara pasangan, serasa lagi ada di film-film, hahaha. TAPIII… setiap kali gue dikenalin atau mau dikenalin beneran sama cowok yang mau dicomblangin sama gue, gue selalu nanya, orang ini nyari pacar apa nyari istri. Kalau niatnya nyari istri, atau ada target nikah dalam 1-2 tahun, secara mental gue pasti mundur teratur… atau gue memposisikan diri jadi temen aja. 😆 Tapi ya gitu. Otak gue cuma berhenti di pesta pernikahannya aja. Minus bagian nabung untuk kawinnya, atau menjalani hidup setelahnya. It’s not the commitment that I fear, it’s the fear of losing my freedom. Seasik-asiknya pasangan gue nanti, tetep aja rasanya bebas waktu melajang sama bebas waktu udah bersuami pasti beda. Gimana kalau gue masih mau sekolah lagi? Dia mau nunggukah? Gimana kalau gue mau traveling sendirian berminggu-minggu atau berbulan-bulan? Would he be okay with it? Would I be okay if he does the same? Gimana kalau gue belum pengen punya anak, tapi dia mau? Can we meet in the middle? Dan lain-lain, dan lain-lain, dan lain-lain. Kadang kesepian karena jomblo, begitu ada yang deketin, guenya juga takut. Sampe gue mikir apa lebih baik sendiri aja dulu sampe nggak tau kapan. MAU LO APA SIH, TEP? 😆 Sampe saat ini, cuma ada satu laki-laki di hidup gue yang bikin gue nggak takut sama konsep pernikahan ini. I don’t think I ever felt that sure of someone. But fate wasn’t on our side. So I’m back to square one. I’m afraid of marriage. HAHAHA.

Are these all forbidden enough?

If I should add more. I’m always body-conscious (although it doesn’t stop me from eating whatever I want, hahaha). I don’t wanna blame my ex for this but he successfully made me feel like I’m fat and unattractive all the time. All. the. time. Even when I was 12 kilos lighter and everyone thought I had a sickness or something. Until today I still think that I don’t deserve to be liked back (by the guys I like). Like, there’s no way I’m attractive enough for them, that’s why most of the time I always put myself as their close friend or even their bro first, until I’m sure I stand a chance. I’m so afraid of being heartbroken that once again it proves a point: I’m not attractive and there’s something wrong with me. 

Isn’t that the most fucked up self-perception? Believe me, it’s a constant mental battle. Most of the time I’m just faking it. That’s why I’m at most comfortable when I’m not attached with anybody. Lucky I have the best support system one could ever asked for, my friends, who keep me sane.

So there you go, people. My forbidden feelings. I hope there’ll be no museum needed. Its’s not a good thing to keep.