Teppy & Her Other Sides

Tahun 2023 udah mau kelar, dan selama 11 bulan terakhir, gue baru nulis satu blog post doang di sini. Gue pikir ganti nama blog dan bayar domain bisa jadi pecutan gue untuk nulis lebih rajin, biar nggak sia-sia gitu bayarnya, tapi kayaknya tahun ini, seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya di masa pandemi, semangat gue lagi nyungsep banget. Lebih-lebih tahun ini, sih. Capeknya ekstra banget, lahir batin. Kayaknya semua efek kesusahan masa pandemi baru ngumpul dan bener-bener dirasain akibatnya sekarang.

Iya, hidup gue nggak sepenuhnya berat, tapi masalah-masalah yang berdatangan juga nggak kira-kira. Hari-hari gue dipenuhi stress eating, susah tidur, susah konsentrasi, dan keinginan pengen sendiri serta rasa malas ketemu manusia lain atau orang-orang baru semakin menjadi-jadi. Social battery gue menurun drastis. Gue juga tambah males sama keramaian.

I know we can’t always be happy, but it’s so hard to feel happy these days. Rasanya pengen lambai-lambai tangan ke kamera dan bilang, “Boleh udahan dulu nggak susahnya? Capek nih.” Capek jadi orang pertama yang harus mikir mulu di keluarga. Capek jadi contact person pertama di keluarga dari dulu mentang-mentang gue anak pertama, yang seringnya jadi berlanjut disuruh nge-lead pemecahan masalah. Capek apa-apa harus gue yang inisiasi, delegasi, dan lain-lain. Capek ngurusin hal-hal besar sampe hal-hal terkecil yang kadang bikin gue mikir “ngurusin ginian aja harus GUE LAGI?!” Capek harus terus menerus available atau pasang badan untuk ring 1 di hidup gue. Pengen banget sekali-sekali gue nggak usah mikirin orang lain sama sekali. Of course I can set boundaries and say no, but sometimes I have no choice than to deal with it.

Kadang cuma pengen duduk ngelamun sendirian dan matiin hape seharian. Kadang kalo lagi banyak hal yang harus diurus di saat bersamaan, rasanya pengen banget lempar hape ke mana gitu, saking gue eneg banget.

Kadang pengen teriak, “Leave me the fuck alone.” “Kenapa gue gue lagi yang harus mikirin dan ngurusin ini semua?”

Oh man, I sound like somebody that needs anger management.

But maybe that’s the answer. I need to voice out my anger.

Pengen duduk ngelamun sendirian bersama orang-orang ini

I’ve been pulling myself away from the world because I’ve been so angry and disappointed with my surroundings. I know I have to be the one who draws the line, it’s no use expecting people to be as sensitive as you are, to ask how you feel, or to respect your limit, but I’m just so sick of everything at the moment. I’ve been spending years working and not really enjoying the fruit of my own hard labor. I could be sitting somewhere nice, but my head is some place else, it never stops thinking. During my therapy a few years back, I voiced this concern to my psychotherapist, and she said she thought it might actually be the purpose of my presence in life: that I exist to take care of other people, my family, my loved ones, even things at work. That’s the nature of how my life is going to be and purpose in life (I kid you not, I do the same at work, but at least I get paid doing that?!).

Anyway, enough ranting. Not sure if I have an actual point to share here but I’m just angry, sad, and fucking tired at the moment. I don’t know what to do, so for now, I’ll just write about it. Also maybe, if you have friends or family members who seem like they’re holding it together for everyone, check on them, ask them how they feel, because maybe whilst they take care of everyone, their own lives and sanity are falling apart.

Alright folks, I’m gonna stop whining for now. Thanks for reading this Englishnesian post.

Take care!